5. Muffin tops, and I am not referring to the pastry. Women wear their jeans so low, that it creates a ‘muffin top’ effect in the abdominal/stomach/love-handles region.

6. Everything is either Mega or Super here, ie. SuperSol, Super Pharm, Super Derivatives (my friend’s place of employment), Mega Zol (which translates to SuperCheap),  Super Sushi, etc.), Super Sushi… I think you get the idea.

7. One of your potential ringtones is: “belly dance”

8. Two words: PLATFORM SHOES. They are a making a comeback!

9. At least once a day you walk into a restaurant/store/bank and hear an extremely inappropriate song being played that would normally be censored/forbidden to be played and you’re initial reaction is “WHAT?! Do they UNDERSTAND what she/he is saying?!”

10. The number 10 reason you KNOW you’re in Israel: you see a woman sitting in a coffee shop with the word “TWAT” written on her t-shirt.

Now I don’t know what is with this country and passport pictures, but Israelis seem to be slightly infatuated with them. When I first began the inital process of making Aliyah (become and Israeli citizen and move to Israel), in addition to the 30 pages of documentation requesting permission to make Aliyah as well as stating every single entry into Israel (which if you know me, was about 15 pages), I had to submit 8 passport pictures. EIGHT pictures! As I went to CVS to get my passport picture (by the way, CVS only prints out 2 pictures so I had to get four copies) all I can remember is the photographer’s facial expression and his comment: “Excuse me, are you certain you need eight?” I just nodded, I had no clue why I needed eight, but I naively assumed that after my eight pictures, I would never need another picture once in Israel.

Well I think by now, you have all realized that all my logical assumptions were proven wrong, and this is simply another example. Upon arrival to Israel, Nefesh B’Nefesh (organization which assists Jews moving to Israel) returned copies of my inital paperwork to me.. along with 2 passport photos. At the time, I was a bit annoyed and I remember thinking ‘why would they request eight, only to return 2. Why not just ask for 6?’ Well it turns out NBN was smarter than I thought. When I went to Misrad Haklita to get my Aliyah money, I was asked to present 2 passport photos. Lucky for me, I had them in my backpack and happily handed them to the not-so-helpful, attitude-sporting government worker.

Once again, I assumed that I would not need another passport photo, I mean technically, the Israeli government still had 5 pictures left (only one was used for my Teudah Zehut- ID card). Nonetheless, I continued about my daily life until last week, when I was abruptly brought back to the reality of, what I am convinced is, the biggest photography scheme known to man. As a new graduate student, I was tasked with going to the Student Authority (to be saved for another blog) to request money from the government for education (I’m sure by now some of you are sitting there thinking, ‘wait, you get money to move to Israel from the government AND money for university??? Totally unfair!!’ But actually friends, I also don’t have to pay taxes for two years, guess that didn’t make it any better )

Sorry, I digress. As I am sitting before my student counselor filling out the appropriate paperwork, she looks at me and says ‘Your passport picture please..’. I think those words still leave a chill in the air. I look at her speechless. All I can think of is “You already have two pictures of me upstairs in my file!! Why don’t you walk upstairs and get them from your friends on the second floor?!” However, I manage to compose myself and remember my ‘bargaining’ skills. I decide to respond with this statement “I don’t have a passport picture right now. Furthermore, I’m fairly certain you do not need it to verify my identity seeing how you ask for my ID card and my passport each time I come into this office. I am not coming back here to wait online for another 2 hours, I have more important things to do with my time.”

Now I can tell my counselor was slightly taken aback. An American speaking forcely/Israeli was unexpected and caught her slightly off guard as I am fairly certain she did not want to do any work that day and she responded with “Ok, so you’ll just get those to me as soon as possible”. I nod, of course, appologetically for not being prepared.

The next day, I received a form from my graduate school about receiving my student ID card. They also wanted a passport picture, I of course didn’t have one with me. A fellow peer miraculously whips a picture out of his bag and says to me “to survive here, you ALWAYS need a passport picture!” (This is advice from a fellow American who has also served in the Israeli Army. I took his advice seriously.

Two days later I went to Misrad HaPnim (Ministry of Absorption) to request my Teudah Meavar (temporary passport) only this time I knew to have new passport photos taken. Conveniently, there is a photo shop in the building and this time, I was handed eight passport photos. It was as if the photographer knew my situation, or that he just knows how this country works. After recieving my pictures, I hopped (yes, hopped, maybe skipped) upstairs to hand in my forms for my Teudah Meavar when I was informed that it was 12:20, the office closed at 12:00. Does that surprise anyone? I just smirked, turned around and waited for another bright sunny morning to begin this process again…

After about a month of not blogging, I decided it was time to share my adventures. The month of October in Israel is basically one big vacation. With Rosh Hashanna (Jewish New Year), Yom Kippur (Day of Atonement), and Succot (sitting in a hut for 8 days — in a nutshell). Now I had been warned about this phenomena and after I was scheduled for an interview for a month from September 22, I decided to fly back to the States to visit friends and family for the Holidays.

In the two months I had been in Israel, I did not realize that my mannerisms had changed significantly, of course, I was wrong. While at Passport Control in Dulles Airport, a woman pointed out to me that I had cut the line; NOT intentionally of course, that is just the way lines move in Israel:

Rule #1 If you want to survive in an “Israeli” line, you must learn to push.

Apparently,  I had forgotten how to wait in line, mind you this happened to me twice within a 20 minute time span. Another indication I was no longer in Israel, was when a door (ANY door was held open for me). I had to pause and taken in what was occuring, to the point where I was asked “Shira, are you ok?”.

Customer Service (in America). That is all I will say, anyone who has ever been to Israel will understand, and for those of you who have not, well, I’m sorry, there just is no way to explain “Israeli” customer service (wait wait, that’s because there is NONE–> this very point was discussed in my Marketing class).

On that note, I would just like to say, I have been accepted to Bar Ilan’s International MBA program and have been Grad School to get my MBA! More exciting stories to come, I hope everyone had a nice holiday. Be in touch!!

There have been a few requests (mostly from my now Israeli-American friends living in Tel Aviv) to discuss the beach attire here. However, really, all I think I have to say are two words which sum it up:

SPEEDOS + MATKOT

*note* For those who do not know what matkot is, its essentially ping pong just without the table. Now imagine an Israeli man playing ‘ping pong’ in a tight speedo…. Ah yes, you now understand.

Just a few more words on the banking system. As I previously stated, I successfully ordered my credit card and went to the bank to pick it up. Upon receipt of my credit card, I was all excited to withdraw money! Like a kid with a new toy, I walked over to the kaspomat (ATM) and went to withdraw money. As I neared the end of this process, the kaspomat asked me if I wanted to accept the charge of 1.65 NIS for the transaction. I was SHOCKED! This must be a mistake! I am at MY bank! I declined the charge and took my credit card and walked over to the teller.

Me: “Excuse me, I think there is a mistake! I am being charged to withdraw money from my bank account!”

Teller: “No, there is no mistake. It’s 1.65 NIS to withdraw money, 5 NIS when you speak with a teller (at the window), 10 NIS a month for the account and 10 NIS to convert foreign money (he knows me so well already). It is like this at every bank here”.

Me: “I’m sorry, do you not know what FREE checking is?”

Teller: “No, what is that?”

…. siiiiiigh…. only in Israel.

I feel as though given the events of today, discussing (to put it rather lightly) the Israeli banking “system” would be more than appropriate. I have placed the word “system” in quotes because as according to Webster’s dictionary the word system means:

1: a regularly interacting or interdependent group of items forming a unified whole

2: an organized set of doctrines, ideas, or principles usually intended to explain the arrangement or working of a systematic whole

3 a: an organized or established procedure

I am confident that after this post, you will soon realize that the phrase ‘Israeli Banking SYSTEM‘ is falsely labeled.

Let’s take a step back in time to my arrival in Israel. It’s July 22, I have just gotten off the plane, participated in a ceremony, taken a near-death experience cab ride to Jerusalem, and then drove back to Tel Aviv to bask in the sun (the illogical chain of events that occurred on July 22 is not what’s important here, let’s just remember that I was running on 4 hrs of sleep).

In any case, I awoke on July 23rd realizing that I needed a cell phone. Simple right? Well if you haven’t learned the answer to this question you clearly have not been reading my previous posts. That morning I walked into the Orange store (Israeli cell phone provider of choice) and explained that I needed a regular cell phone plan. Of course, in order to obtain this magical plan, I needed a bank account (for direct withdrawal, no one really understands the concept of credit and an American credit card was completely out of the question, not by my choice).

So off to the bank I went, determined to get a checking account. The first bank I went to was Bank HaPoalim where I was informed that because my address was in Jerusalem (I was using a friend’s address on my ID card, see previous posts for more details) I could not get a checking account in Tel Aviv. At first when I heard this, I didn’t quite understand. In the States, you are able to sign up from any state like Florida, and maintain your bank account regardless of where you live, since everything is done via the INTERNET. I believe the word is called communication. But no matter, I will go to Jerusalem to open a bank account. I once again, had determination in my eyes (only those of a new Olah who has not yet been jaded by the banking ‘system’).

A few days later, I walked into a Bank HaPoalim in Jerusalem. “Hi! I want a checking account!” Of course the woman seeing my ID card was more than happy (that’s an exaggeration, more like didn’t give me grief) to help. She then asked a question that would taunt me in the days to come “will you be staying at this address for awhile?” Of course, I should have known better and said “yes, of course”. But no, instead I said “actually, I’m planning to move to Tel Aviv”.

I then spent the next 10 minutes arguing with this woman about how I needed a bank account. Eventually, she explained the fundamental core of the banking “system” here, one branch (of the same bank, mind you) does NOT communicate with the other. Personally, I just think Israelis are lazy and don’t want to deal with paperwork. Because it’s very simple to deposit money from ANY branch (of your bank) into your checking account. You just can’t do much else.

So heartbroken and a bit shattered, I returned to Tel Aviv. This time I thought I would try to trick the system and give them a friends address in Tel Aviv, and just explain that I will be changing my ID card. The only problem with my plan, was that I didn’t walk into the branch closest to the address I wanted to give. That’s right, you read that correctly. Just because your address is in Tel Aviv, does not mean you can open a bank account at ANY branch in Tel Aviv. You must open an account within a 10 km radius of your address (or something ridiculous like that). The more I learn about the rules here, the more I am convinced Israelis are just having fun with the new Olim: “Ah, summertime! New Olim, my favorite time of the year!!” (Well that’s how it plays out in my head at least).

Once again, I left the bank sad and without checking account. A couple of days later (I believe we are now at a week and a half) and after I have regained my spirit, I decided to try my luck with Bank Leumi. This time I walked into Bank Leumi with an “Israeli” attitude, my friends coached me. Almost as if I was in group therapy I had to say aloud “I will NOT leave the bank without a checking account!!” three times. I sat down with the manager, after learning how to wait on line (future post), and explained that I needed a bank account and was NOT going to leave without one. I had a Teudah Zehut (ID card), and a Teduah Oleh (new immigrant card) and after speaking with the head of the Ministry of Interior (a method to instill fear in the manager, of course this was not true) this was all I needed to open a bank account.

After about 2 hours in Bank Leumi, I walked out of the bank as a proud (might be a bit of a stretch) bank member. I did have to relearn what the word ‘credit card’ means, since really it’s a debt card. Automatically withdrawn from your bank account. There are no cash rewards, miles, bonuses, plans or anything like that here (I know, I was shocked- not really- too!). I now had a “credit card” and a checkbook.

I was finally able to get my cell phone plan and life seemed pretty dandy in the banking world here in Israel, until I realized, about 3 days ago, that I needed to change my address from Jerusalem to Tel Aviv (now that I am a proud resident of Tel Aviv, as it clearly states on my ID card).

Me: “Hi, I’d like to change my address.”

Bank Teller: “I’m sorry, you must go to your Snif (Branch)” — just then reality hit me, I had ignorantly walked into the wrong branch; even though this teller obviously had my bank account information (since he clearly noticed that I was not in the right branch) he was not going to exercise his fingers any more than was physically required of him.

Me: “Yes, of course. My branch. Thank you”.

Please excuse my lack of originality as I cleverly try to come up with a title for this blog. I simply feel the need to share. No other words can explain my perplexed state of mind, as I try to understand how anything is accomplished within the government in this country.

After successfully passing my ulpan exam last Wednesday, and being placed in a Hebrew course, I am informed that I need a piece of paper starting that I am an Olah Chadasha and that the government would pay for my class. Simple enough, right? All I need to do is head over to Misrad Haklita (Ministry of Absorption)

Here I must insert, that this is also partly my own fault for failing to heed to the advice of my fellow Olah (immigrant- female) who also had to accomplish this very task. She informed me, that if I wanted to get permission, I needed to be there at 8 am. Well for someone who is unemployed, waking up at 8 am seems totally unacceptable and an impossible feat. Surely this task could be accomplished at 11 am!

11:45 am Me: Shalom, I would like an appointment to get permission for Ulpan.

Operator: Sure, you don’t need an appointment just come over.

Me: Perfect, I’ll be right over.

Operator: No, I’m sorry. We close at 12:00 today.

Me: Um, do you reopen? (I should have known the answer to this question)

Operator: No, closed for the day. Sundays we are open 8:00-12:00.

(As I sit here on the phone I have the strangest feeling of deja vu…)

Me: Ok, what about on Monday?

Operator: 8:00- 12:00 & 2:00-5:00 (Then I realize I have an interview in Ranana- aka bumble- and would not be able to make it back in time)

Me: Ok, I’ll come Tuesday, same hours?

Operator: No, Tuesday we are closed all day. Just someone answering the phone.

Me: Of course you are closed on Tuesday, I can’t believe I even asked! What about Wednesday?

Operator: Same hours as Monday.

Me: Perfect, I’ll be there Wednesday at 8:00. (Reminding me how if I had only listened to my wise friend from the beginning this whole situation could have been avoided.)

This scenario does raise the question, If everyone in the government is working a 20hr work week, how does anything get done? I have also made another very interesting observation. All the government agencies that have these “strange” working hours are all for new immigrants (ie. Israelis would not be frequenting the Ministry of Absorption). Interesting, eh?

Today was one of the few times I can comfortably say, “I feel productive”. Usually this comment is accompanied after graduating from college, or getting your first job, some may even feel “productive” after having a lengthy conversation with mom (shameless reference to all my male readers, you know who you are).

But before I get into exactly why I feel productive today, I will start by explaining my day yesterday. At around 10:30 AM, I was awoken from my drunken slumber by my obnoxiously loud phone ringing (you aren’t Israeli if you don’t have the cell phone ring to match). I then decide that since I am now WIDE AWAKE, I should get started on my objectives for today:

1. Misrad Hapnim (Ministry of Interior)

2. Enroll in Ulpan (Hebrew classes)

I decide to start with Misrad Hapnim, mind you it is now 11:20. My conversation went something like this:

Me: ” Hi, I’d like to change my address from Jerusalem to Tel Aviv on my identity card”. (Important note, some of the readers may be wondering, why should your address matter?! Well, allow me to explain. As a new Olah, I am entitled to benefits, however in order to receive these benefits, one must go to Misrad HaKlita-Ministry of Absorption- to receive them. If your address on your ID card is listed in Jerusalem, regardless of where you are actually living, guess where you have to go? For those you guessed Jerusalem, you would be correct. Let’s not discuss how this is all done on a computer ANYWAY, and how through the genius of technology one office can talk to the other, because that would just be logical. FYI, the banking system works much like this as well. So needless to say, as a resident of Tel Aviv, who already had to make the trip to Jerusalem, I preferred to changed my address and avoid the commute)… Back to the story.

Operator: “Emmm, no problem. Bring your lease agreement and your old ID card.”

Me: “Great! I’ll be over there shortly!”

Operator: “Emmm, sorry. We are closed at 12 today.”

Me: “Oh, when do you reopen?”

Operator: “We are closed for the day.”

Me:” What do you mean for the day? It’s only 12!”

Operator: “The hours are: Mondays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays- 8:00-12:00 & 14:00-17:30 and on Tuesdays 8:00-12:00.” (Try to remember this for EVERY government run office ie. Post Office, Healthcare, Banking, etc it gets exhausting)

Me: “So let me get this straight, you only work about 7 hours three days a week (don’t forget lunch) and 4 hours one day a week? Are you hiring?”

Well needless to say, I quickly realized Misrad Hapnim was not a possibility. But that’s ok, I will sign up for Ulpan classes! Right? Wrong. Apparently, because I have prior knowledge of Hebrew, I need to take exam. My conversation went something like this:

Me: “Hi, I’d like to take the Hebrew exam for Ulpan, can I come by today?”

Operator: “No, tomorrow at 5″.

Me: “Why can’t I come today at 5?”

Operator: “Why do today, what you can push off for tomorrow?” (Ok, she didn’t really say that, but I’m convinced that in between her Hebrew ranting about why she didn’t want to stay late so I could take an exam, she was thinking that.)

After realizing that all my prior goals for the day had quickly been shot down (this was only at 11:33). I decided to head over the Little Prince and study for my GMATS, until I realized how appealling Shenkin and Dizengoff Center was.

Which brings me back to today. Why am I productive? Well, I made it to Misrad Hapnim, at 15:00 with the expectation of waiting a good 2 hours to change a tiny piece of paper that would control my life. Upon arriving, I was speechless. The information counter could perform this simple task! The whole process took 10 mins. I walked out the Misrad Hapnim, speechless. Utterly speechless. Just when you think this country couldn’t be run anymore inefficiently, the government throws you a bone. I then proceeded with my new ID card to the Iriya (Not sure the definition, anyone?) to get my new Olah discount on Arnona (utilities, which 90% in Tel Aviv, is amazing). This process also amazed me. Minus the old couple who jumped infront of the line without a number, the enter process flowed quite smoothly and I was able to receive my discount!

Then, feeling pumped I walked over to Ulpan Goren to take my exam. This was not as efficient as hoped, but let’s be honest, two out of three? Doin’ pretty well.

I would like to start out by saying, that up until very recently, I have been anti-blogspot, MySpace, and all other blogging websites. However, given the circumstances, moving to a foreign country, I’ve decided to share with family and friends the ridiculousness that is life in Israel. Just some background for all the readers, I moved to Israel on July 22, 2008 and have been living in Tel Aviv. Some of the ‘simple’ recommended tasks for new Olim (immigrants) is to:

1. Get Health Insurance

2. Get a Bank Account (generally recommended to do upon landing in Israel)

3. Get a Cell Phone

I can comfortably say that after 6 weeks here, I have managed to accomplish all three tasks within 3 weeks of being here. Some of you may be thinking, three weeks? That seems like an awful long time. Why in America, it should take a day, two at the most. But here, friends is where you all must begin to understand the meaning of the word ‘savlanut’ (patience). Eventually, after siesta time, break time, hastling, and negotiating (more often than one would think) you will succeed, it just may take you 2 days to open a bank account.